The Pain of Love

Features, Volume 1: Late October

By Ashley Ornelas and An NguyenWhat is the reality of an abusive relationship? We interviewed Leslie from the National Domestic Violence Hotline who defined an abusive relationship as the following: “ It can be a physical relationship, it of course can be physical abuse which is anything that can leave a mark such as hitting or slapping. There is also emotional abuse which is anything bad in a relationship that doesn’t leave a mark. Manipulation is also involved control as well it can be calling names, controlling who your friends are, and who you talk to.”Why are we talking about this subject? The reason is that abuse has been more frequent in teens and even adult relationships. Statistics show that 1 out of 3 teenagers have been in violent relationships.That shows how serious this problem has become. There are many reasons that a person may stay in an abusive relationship: Leslie stated, “Well first of all it’s important to know that it isn’t the victims fault when they are in an abusive relationship. It’s very hard for them to understand why that the person they love is treating them this way and then again it has something to do with manipulation. Sometimes it can be very difficult and the most dangerous times are when you’re leaving the relationship.”A student here at LPS, who wishes to remain anonymous, spoke to us about the verbal abuse her father gives to his partner. “I believe the reason that my father does this is because he had a hard childhood. His mom left him at the age of 6 or 7, leaving 9 children and came back when he was about 20 years old. He doesn’t show affection or love to others because he never received it as a child.”There is another side to this story. Why does the victim of the relationship stay with their abuser? There are many reasons women and men stick with their abusive partner. Another student in LPS believes that the reason that they stay with their partner, is because they have hope that the person can change and they can have a stable relationship. The student whose father abuses his partner said, “The reason my mom stays with my father is because she understands him and wants to help him overcome it.”A senior we interviewed here at LPS has been in an abusive relationship. She gave us her explanation on why she stayed for so long in this abusive relationship. “The reason I stayed with him because, I put all my time and effort in the relationship, and we were together for a year and a half going on two. I brought him to my family and friends, I went to all his family events, I dedicated my life to him.” Just as Leslie said it is hard for the victim realize that the person they love is hurting them just as with her situation.There are many signs that your partner may eventually become abusive. Leslie, our expert, stated, “There can be many signs of an abusive relationship of course there is a physical abuse you’ll see bruises signs of punches and cuts signs of emotional abuse can be they don’t do the same things as they use to, stop hanging out with friends and they may only be with their partner all the time. They can be constantly calling that person or getting lots of text messages there can be harassments on face book or my space.”The anonymous student explained to us how her boyfriend took advantage of her. Many of the signs stated by Leslie are in her statement. “I was isolated in my house, couldn’t hang with my friends, couldn’t get mail or take out the garbage. I was stalked in the same apartment complex with the person I ‘loved’.”A male student here at LPS has personal experience with abusive relationships because of his parents. He says, “My mom would fight my dad and my dad would hit back and everything would blow up. I think that it is my mom’s fault because my mom would provoke and verbally abuse my dad, and my dad would get angry. Things would get out of hand.”In his opinion Mexicans have an abusive relationship more than the other races. However, Leslie says, “It’s pretty spread out across racist barriers, abusive relations and every ethnicity, race, religion, creed, gender etc. Nobody is immune to having an abusive relationship.” The student mentioned above was in an abusive relationship and described a horrific experience that scarred her for life. “Last year, December 2006, after Christmas, he was living in Waverly and King. We were watching a movie and guys were calling me. He got jealous, and we got into a big ol’ argument. He took the phone away from me and broke it. He physically slapped me more than 5 times. He continually pushed me against the wall then he took his belt of and started to whip me and I sat quietly and cried.”She did not get help; she stayed with him even though he attacked her. “I didn’t get help because I knew before that one day I will wake up and realize that my life isn’t depended or planned on to love this guy forever. I know that now I become a stronger person, emotionally and mentally, and I knew I deserved way much better than anyone who would beat me up. I was scared to leave him; I was scared everywhere I went.”You don’t have to take the abuse that this student did. There are options, resources, and online chat available to you so you don’t have to stay in the relationships. There is also a website called: http://loveisrespect.org which is twenty-four hour help site and there is a National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.ndvh.org) is where we found Leslie, who gave us great information.Steps to come out of an abusive relationship vary on what the person decides to do. Leslie has these recommendations, “I would really suggest that they talk to somebody about it and especially get their talk together it can be very confusing to the person who is in an abuse relationship. And as far as what they want to do so I suggest they talk to somebody like a family member or a counselor at school or if they need to call us or chat with us we can help give them options and give them some education on their situation.” If you want to get out of an abusive relationship there are so many possibilities as Leslie stated you do not have do deal with such abuse.Most of the students we interviewed agree that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. A broken arm heals in about 6 weeks, but an emotional scar takes a long time to heal. Leslie says, “Definitely, verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. It may not leave physical marks but it hurts just as much, and it is just as serious.”But just because there is verbal abuse in a relationship that does not mean it will not lead to physical abuse. Leslie also stated, “It doesn’t always, but it can sometimes. It’s a sign that physical abuse can become things that get worse but it doesn’t always end up that way.” But would you take the risk of having both a physical and verbal abuse?At LPS, there are people in abusive relationships. One student knows of at least 4 couples in which a partner is being abused. The student we spoke to wanted to give advice to those people who are still in an abusive relationship. “Even though you love, hate, or scared of someone you’re in a relationship with, nobody deserves to be physically, mentally, and emotionally abused. You should never let anybody do anything abusive to you, because that is not love.”So, if you know anybody in an abusive relationship or you’re in one, do not go at it alone. Take the steps to getting out so you can start running your own life.Here is a list of numbers and sites where you can find help:Love is Respect: http://loveisrespect.orgNational Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFEhttp://www.ndvh.orgNext Door: Solutions to Domestic Violence234 E. Gish Road, Suite 200San Jose, CA 9511224 Hour Hotline: 408-279-2962

admin @ October 29, 2007